{Authentic Self}

A definition of courage

He would punish her by not allowing her to feed the kids. She would beg but he was brutal in his emotional abuse. The children were 10 months, 4, 6 and 8.

She was never allowed to go anywhere other than to take the girls to school and she had to go right back home. 

She didnt drive.  Anywhere.

She dressed the way he wanted her to.

She talked to no one. 

She never looked me in the eyes when I tried to talk to her.

She was a victim. 

She was an illegal here in the US.

She was his prisoner.

I never thought twice about her being a victim in the beginning. There were no obvious signs.  She was just quiet, and when I met with both mom and dad, she was stoic in her demeanor and she never uttered one word. He was always dressed impeccably. From head to toe he was put together. PERFECTLY. He was the master deceiver, manipulator.

He called on the phone when he wanted something, like the free salvation army basket or one time to ask about something about his wife. I can't really recall.  But I thought it was because she couldn't speak English and was afraid to talk to me.

I WAS WRONG!

DEAD WRONG!

The first time she left him, I saw her in the office and she told me she was moving. Things were not good at home. I heard that she was actually going to a shelter and I honed in on her.

I told her I was sorry.  I told her she was BRAVE. I gave her a hug.

I walked away and felt HORRIBLE.  How could I not have known?

A few weeks or maybe it was months went by and dad called.

He said, that Shirley* was coming back to me.

I said "okay."

I was bewildered.  Did she go back home to him?

She did.  As is often the case of Domestic Violence victims, especially from this nationality, culture, and most certainly because she was an illegal.

When we saw her, we gathered her up and told her, we were there for her.

And then I filed a CPS report because I am a mandated reporter.

She knew.

Things got worse.

He threw away all their clothes.

I gathered up some of mine and my daughters.

He wouldn't feed them.

We smuggled food home with her. 

She got brave again. She left.

This time without the children.

ALONE!

She fought back. She sought help. She was scared. She lived with whoever could take her in. She missed her kids.

He created lies about her, to the social worker. He lied to everyone. And while the kids were in his care, he didn't feed them, or bathe them. They came to school filthy and smelling horrible. My little one was hungry.

I detested HIM when he brought them to school. The sight of him brought me instant nausea.

The CPS worker split visitations between him and her. It was hard. We cried ALOT together. She worked hard to get her kids. 

I took her to dinner and a school talent show one night with the kids all in tow. We had to do it secretly.  The girls never stopped smiling once all night.

She was BRAVE!

By the end of the school year, she was doing a little better. Still struggling, but still remaining strong. She was fighting.

We told her to stay in touch. We told her to be strong. We told her to NOT go back.

For the next two years I think I only saw her two or three times. Once she came to ask us for help in deciphering a legal letter. We couldn't help her so we sent her to where she could get help.

We told her to stay in touch. And we cried again. 

September 15, 2009

A knock on my door.

No one knocks.

It's HER! with the children.  AND ONE MORE! 

She is beaming! She looks HAPPY!

SO HAPPY!

She tells me, (a friend translates for her) that she met a wonderful wonderful man. He is a plumber. He adores her. He bought her a car. She can drive anywhere she wants now. She can do whatever she wants now. This one loves her. They have a new baby.

I start to cry.....she starts to cry.

She falls into my arms and says over and over and over...

"Gracias Maestra Gracias"

I am now weeping.

She is my gift.

She is my hope.

She is my model of a COURAGEOUS WOMAN!

And as she leaves, she tells me, in spanish and I translate.

I am coming back to take you to lunch teacher.

5 (random) thoughts on a Sunday evening....

So here are 5 (random) thoughts that I have right now. As if your interested right?

1. I wish I had a piece of strawberry shortcake as made by the Pioneer Woman.

2. Will my won ton soup still taste good tomorrow?  I doubt it, it never does.

3. Kanye West - come on Dude....get over yourself.

4. My throat hurts, wonder what I did with my cough drops.

5. Refer to random thought #1.

making me happy

*the picture of Michael and I after 18 years of marriage

*eating bittermelon and tofu for lunch

*magazines on the shelf that feature autumn themes. 

*a really clean bathroom

*NO MORE HOMEWORK!

*renewed friendships - with a much deeper meaning

*new friendships with a common bond

*gel medium

*getting out of debt

*shrimp chips

and the sound of footsteps up and down the stairs which means everyone is home for the night.

{Dear Michael}

Today we celebrate 18 years of marriage.

I wanted to write this really profound letter that spoke poetically of the romance and wonderful fairy tale life that we have shared for almost two decades now BUT it wouldn't be the whole story, it wouldn't share the depth of where we have been, it wouldn't speak of truth.   So I am just going to share from my heart....the thoughts and deep seeded emotions that only I have in relationship to {US}.

Every marriage is unique.

Every relationship and binding of two hearts has it's own story.

Each person in the union brings in a history. (good AND bad)

No marriage is a fairytale, no marriage is a joyride, no marriage is only happiness, vacations, dinners and financial bliss.  Whoever claims that they have the fairytale marriage, is somehow in denial of the sacrificial giving that comes along with this joining of two hearts. 

A year ago, almost found us separated forever.  We BOTH made huge mistakes and kicked our marriage against the curb.  After 17 years together, it seemed as though we had it all, yet we almost lost it all, because of selfishness, hurt, denial, pain, unforgiveness, guilt and shame.

We were broken individuals.

You FOUGHT.

I GAVE UP!

You PURSUED.

I RAN!

until I could run no further and turned around and yelled at both you and God. 

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"

You both answered.

"I WANT YOUR HEART."

I gave in. 

In the ensuing months, you both laid down your life for me daily. You showed me grace and mercy, comfort, patience, sacrifice, and most of all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I fell head long back in love with not just one but two men who wanted to be my everything.

It's been refreshing.

It's new.

It's lifegiving.

It's Freedom!

This is my mid life journey -

I am done pretending.  I am done performing and done caring what others think about me.  If I look okay, are my kids perfect, that my floors need to be mopped and I am in need of a savior. I am learning to drop my masks and the strongholds I have had on areas in my life that I thought made me happy.  Because, you know what, they dont. REALLY! I am going to be me.  I am going to allow my gifts to grow and pull down the protections that I have held for so many years.  I am going to love with abandon, I am going to create with abandon.  I am going to sit and relax and let my floor get dirtier.  BECAUSE I am me. I am going to sift out the relationships that drain me and surround myself with amazing empowering people.  I am going to embrace who I am and I am going to give my life away, not because I feel pressured to but because I want to.

But most of all, I am going to love you. The man I married 18 years ago, but yet the man, I have watched in the past year become this incredible warrior who has fought the good fight and is winning the war. Who has shown me and proved to me that love is hard work, but worth the sacrifice and commitment it takes to get to the other side.

It's all new this marriage we share. Everyday is a new fresh start to make it even better than the day before.

We have been to hell and back.

It's been worth it.

We are more united than we have ever been before.

I am more in love with you than I have ever been before.

I am more in love with Jesus than I have ever been before.

I have come full circle.

I would never go back.

It's so much better now.

I feel alive and complete.

My senses are  heightened on every level.

My heart is full

We are changed.

His sea of grace is for both us.  We swim in its tides as it has it's highs and lows.

Not many people know our journey.

And some would be shocked.

But that's okay.  I don't care. Because God will use our story for those who need the hope of knowing it's possible to get to the other side.

Because I never thought I would make it.

I love you Michael.

I love you.

one day at a time.

one breath at a time.

with you by my side.

Happy Anniversary.

{Self Nurture-part 2}

I find it interesting that the subject I wanted to blog about became my own personal [issue] this past week and a half.

Never dare to write about something if you haven't quite figured it out for yourself yet.  You see self nurture for me was easy when I was off for the summer, no lesson planning, no time lines to get up in the morning.  I was basically a free spirit to do as I wanted.  My entire summer was {nurturing} for this hungry and weary soul. 

Things changed when I had to go back to work and begin my routine all over again, up at 5am, in the car by 6:30, work all day with 48, 4 -5 year olds, training new assistants, lesson planning, getting my own kids back on track with school, both in high school now.  Setting up routines at home, getting enough sleep, trying to exercise in the midst of it all, meal planning, mid week night activities out....phew.  Let me just say, I spent the first two weeks of going back to work "in a fog" of just getting it down.

BUT before I beat myself up too much, I will pat myself on the back for making sure that I did make room for my quiet time in the morning, even if it was for 5 minutes because I was running late.  

Rewind to a lunch I had with my {bestie} Melanie where we talked about self nurturing and how important it was for us to make the time to embrace the things or thing that made us feel loved.  We are no good to ourselves and others, especially our families if we have not taken the time to love ourselves in some way that fills our spirits. 

Self Nurturing is different than narcissistic activities. Narcissism is ego based, self nurturing is heartfelt, it is authenticity being developed in us. 

Jesus after he ministered and gave out so much of himself would often go away and take care of his needs, to be filled up by his heavenly father and prayed.  Luke 5:16.  I also believe that he nurtured himself by fellowship with his disciples, not by himself but with groups of people by which he shared a common vision and enjoyed company with.

But here is the clincher, the idea of self nurturing is to enable you to be filled and restored to give out to others, or as I see it, "give ourselves away."  If we spend too much time on ourselves that is when narcissistic attitudes and behaviors come in.   

So what does self nurturing look like to me?  I want to encompass every part of my person in this self nurturing, body, soul and spirit.  Exercise, art, and fellowship. These are the three things that I find fill me up, even on the days that I don't want to partake in any of them.  

Exercise - 4-5x a week (running and weight training)

Soul - fellowship with my small group 1x a week and making time with a friend at least 1x a week.

Spirit - making time to create art in my studio,finding creativity and inspiration around me and continuing my devotional/quiet time each morning, even if in my car before I head into my classroom.

It's my small start...lets see how I do this week.

{Self Nurture}

'there is more to life than achieving success, making money, and even caring for others'

I have been reflecting on the issue of self nurture lately and how it relates to us as women in general in regards to our marriage, our children, our careers (if you work full  time like I do) and other relationships in our lives. Do our experiences bring about a different definition of what this means, do our biological ages, upbringing, and society do anything to encourage or discourage us from taking the time out for "ME"

As I begin to put some thoughts together as I truly believe we must embrace the idea of "nurture" not only for others but most importantly for ourselves, I would love to hear how you go about doing this for yourself.

Please email me your thoughts at lkailani@att.net

{rECoVeRy}

It seems that all the blogs I am following these days have the same recurring theme....

And it yanks my heart to its core. The posts are spoken with such truth and transparency, the comments at times are shallow and ignorant.

My soul cries out.

My brain says NO!

For this issue is so much more prevalent than people think, IN the Christian culture.

BUT God's grace is abundant.

God's grace is for me.

God's grace is for him.

God's comfort is for us both.

My eyes pour out tears.

I can not stop it.

I am not ready.

Not yet.

{Grace is for Sinners}

Today was my first day back at work.  Let me tell you, getting your body back into the early 5am wake up call takes a bit getting used to. 

Remember, I have been free for the past 10 weeks and it has been fabulous.

So here I am getting ready to dive into bed, I decided to check my emails and the caption of one blog heading took me and so I diverted to this post.

One thing led to another and I found myself at this site.  {grace is for sinners} and then the next thing I knew....  I was crying.

First of all you have got to read this post here.  After you read that post you will start peruse the site because her depth of writing is just so profound and speaks to the deepest parts of your heart. 

and then I read this post here, and I fell apart.  This girl had just put my entire spiritual life into one half page post. 

If you need to be moved and challenged, then you MUST read her blog.  If you dont need to be moved or challenged, then I would highly suggest you dont read her blog, cause it will make you mad.  (most likely) 

She is going on my inspiration links, and I am going out to get that book.  PRONTO!!

Goodnight.

Girlfriends

If you know me, then you can totally relate to the picture above.  This is so me and the definition of the relationships I have with some of my best girlfriends. 

I recently had lunch with one of them and it was a great time of sharing and reflecting....and really for me, evaluating the second half of my life.  I am 44 you know.  My girlfriends have become such a life source to me in the past year and what I realized is that frankly, I robbed myself for so many years of their intensity in my life and the comfort that only girlfriends can bring in certain areas. 

There is a reason that God made friendships, especially women friendships. And one of the main reasons is that....If you are married, your husband can never be EVERYTHING you want him to be.  EVER!  It's not even God's intention for him to be everything.  No man wants to live with that pressure of feeling like he can never please his wife.  We women were made for deep fellowship with other women, where we can really bare our souls and cry like babies on one another's shoulders.  Where we can share a cup of coffee, see a chick flick, or just laugh until we "pee" our pants.  (yes..guilty!!)

And here is some scientific proof that friendships are valuable.

"Independent studies by Harvard Medical School and UCLA both confirm that women who have more female friends in whom they can confide are less likely to develop health problems as they age, take less time to recover from trauma, and lower their risk of early death. According to Harvard Medical School, not having close friends (or confidantes), could be as detrimental to a woman's health as smoking or obesity. Numerous experts recommend female friendship as a stress reducer - essential in this Recession when women are facing high levels of stress at work and at home. A recent UCLA study revealed that when women connect with other women, they release oxytocin - a hormone that counteracts stress and produces a calming effect."

Okay..so with all that said...go meet a girlfriend this week for a girldate better yet...meet with two.  It's on my calendar!!

(freedom)

"freedom is a process that happens inside a relationship with him. Then all that stuff you feel churning around inside will start to work its way out."

~the Shack by William Young

                                  

I am on my second read of "The Shack" and this time I have pen in hand marking up the book, as the words are more alive to me this second time around.  I had penned this quote into my journal many months ago...but never did it mean anything to me until last week Thursday. 

When I first began my healing and restoration process, it came to the point, where I stood at the edge of the cliff, (not literally!) and said.."Okay God, I am going to jump, and you are going to have to catch me."  As I started to take that step off...God reached down his hand and said..."No..not yet..we are not ready." I was like, "you're kidding me right? and who the heck is we?"  So I sat at the edge of the cliff that day, and resolved in myself that I would wait...for what, I didn't know, and frankly I didn't care at that point for I had nothing to lose.  In that moment in time, I had already LOST it all, so what was a few more days, weeks and as it turned out months. 

In those months as I sat...I saw God move before me.  I felt God move in me. 

It was uncomfortable.

The cliff was my excuse for freedom.  I wanted to jump to relinquish the pain, I wanted it to just be gone.  BUT it was the easy way out.  I had to do the work first and I didn't know what that meant.  What does Freedom mean God..and why cant I just jump and you catch me before I hit the bottom?

He didn't answer - silence.

As I continued to sit, I realized that my freedom was coming in increments.  Slowly, and in ways that only God could make it happen. It was happening just as the Shack said..."inside of my relationship with him, he was working things out."  I was blown away and oh so grateful.

THEN............

Last week Thursday....something came for me in the mail.  It sent me to the depths of where I thought I had just come out of.  I felt myself spiral...

Downward.......

I cried out to God...

He told me...."you have to go to the front lines on this one, Lesley, but I will be with you."

Then GUESS WHAT ELSE HE SAID!!!!

HE TOLD ME TO JUMP!!

I was like...."WHAT? You want me to jump NOW?"

He said...

again...

"JUMP"

So I closed my eyes and I did.....and guess what...he didn't need to catch me, cause I flew! 

And I have never felt more free in my life. 

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.

   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,

Isaiah 40;31